Ashes

I once asked you if you wanted to be cremated or buried and you answered, " I never thought about that." I explained to you how I wanted to be cremated because I did not want anyone to feel obligated to visit my tombstone, bring flowers on my birthday/death anniversary, or pay whatever fees there are associated with burials. I can imagine it being hard to leave the graveyard every time one visits his/her loved one(s). I don't think that'd ever get easier either. There's also the fact that it's a fixed location, so if you or any of my immediate family wanted to move out of state, I didn't want to hold anyone back or be the reason for people to hop on a plane to visit the stone on anniversaries. At the end of our conversation you told me that you wanted to be cremated too. When it came time to make the decision when you passed, even though you told me, I still struggled because I didn't know for certain if that was what you really wanted or if I had convinced you at that moment. I was researching ways to keep you whole and at home in bed next to me, true story. I ultimately decided on cremation and I honestly don't think that I would have been able to handle putting you in the ground. In some strange way, your ashes at home bring me comfort. I talk to your urn every day. Hezi put your jar of elderberries right next to the urn because you used to make your tea every morning and he wanted them next to you. He sometimes plays with his legos on the server where your ashes are. I'm not sure if I'll ever be ready to spread your ashes in my lifetime. Maybe I'll leave that task to the kids... to spread us together. I love you!